I Am Yours, Save Me!

I AM YOURS, SAVE ME

Psalm 119:94
Written by Daniela H. Wilson, June 24^th, 2008

After watching the 2003 movie Luther, I was inspired by one of his prayers portrayed in this movie. Each time I would see Luther prostrate before God, crying out ‘I am yours, save me’, I felt the same need to do that in my life. Since that time, on different occasions, I would pray: ‘I am Yours, Save Me!’ This prayer was not a prayer for salvation, but to be saved from myself, my iniquities and my sins. Sins I was not even aware of yet, but I knew they were there. My heart’s desire was to always live a life of surrender to God and willingness to accept His Will in my life.

The Bible talks about the dross that has to be taken out of the gold in order for it to be pure. My heart (the pot of gold) had and will always have sins hidden to my knowledge( the dross), and the only way for it to come to the surface and become known to me, the goldsmith (God Himself) would need to apply heat (trials) in order for Him to take it out.

So I continued to pray: ‘I am Yours, Save Me! Do whatever it takes to bring out the dross, make my heart pure as a pot of gold, help me to be who YOU want me to be, help me to be like Jesus, surrendered to YOUR WILL at all cost.’

What came next in my life was the biggest trial I have ever undergone so far. Right from start I knew that this journey I was about to walk through was in fact an answer to my prayers. When we say to others…..God has answered my prayer…..we usually get some joyous report on some event in our lives. However, this was not so joyous. In fact it was the beginning of the most painful lesson in my life and I was about to discover how ugly my heart could be towards the same God to whom I have prayed to in order to be more like His Son. The same God whom I have trusted and surrendered my life to (so I thought), I have turned against.

To my utmost shock, this has taken place when the Lord God, my Heavenly Father, knitted a tiny little life within my womb. When this has become a known fact to me, my whole life as I knew it turned upside down. My life seemed to come crashing down and I was not able to understand my heart’s reaction to it. But one thing I knew for sure is that God was in it, and the purpose was to bring out the dross.

Over the course of the first three months of my pregnancy, I have learned how ugly my heart could get. What came to the surface and to my knowledge was:

SELFISHNESS….’I like my life the way it is! I don’t want to be stuck at home raising another child! I am too old for this (45 years old)! I am not even a kid person! I like my freedom! Well at least don’t let it be a girl!’………

PRIDE…..’I know best what is good for me! The plan I have for my life makes more sense than your plan God! I am never going to trust or surrender to you again! The way you answer my prayer feels like punishment!’……..

ANGER TOWARDS GOD…..’How can you do this me? You are supposed to love me! Why would you do something to mess up my life?’…..

Yes, all these statements are so harsh to claim against God and to so many around me they were also scary to say out loud. But the truth is that they were in my heart and there was no point of hiding them or pretending that they were not there. After all, none of this was a surprise to my Heavenly Father. He is the one who has called this into action in order for ME to see my true heart towards Him and to show me how much I really needed Him.

If one would say to me a few months prior to this, that this is how I would be towards the Lord and a new life within me, I would never believe that I would react this way. I felt like Peter, who truly believed in his heart that he loved Jesus and would die with Him, yet the hard truth was that Jesus knew Peter’s true heart more than Peter himself. As Peter, I was crushed to find out that I didn’t love the Lord as I thought, but instead I have denied Him. So my hope was that the Lord would forgive me and love me anyway, as He did Peter. And He Did!

In the midst of this revealed ugliness of my heart, never did I feel that I had been abandoned by God, nor that He would strike me dead, but instead that He is the only one that can save me from myself and my sins. I knew all along that this was a trial, a lesson, and a test. As I was living this out, I was in total disbelief of who I have become. It made no sense to me, my heart’s ugliness was shocking to me. My thoughts were not able to comprehend what I was feeling. So day by day, I waited on God to bring me to the end of this journey, hoping He would deliver me from myself and Save Me!

And the day did come, when I finally was broken by my Heavenly Father and once again I was able to call out to Him. I was finally able to see His Sovereign Will being worked out in my life. I once again felt His Amazing Grace, Patience, and Love. This happened the day I went for an ultrasound and saw for the very first time the face of our little girl inside my womb. Like a flood, the love for her poured out of my heart. I could not wait to see her one day, to hold her, to love her, to kiss her, and one day tell her all about how the Lord had used her to work in my own life. It was this day that we were also told that she had a heart defect and would be in need of a surgery. It was this day that I knew what mission my baby girl had. It was to show me that it was I who needed spiritual surgery on my own heart and her little life was the sonogram God used to show me the defect that was in my heart. It was this day that the doctors also informed us of all the possible dangers this little life within me was facing, such as a heart defect, genetic defect, and even possible loss of her life. It was this day that my husband James and I began a journey of faith. During the next few months we have seen many doctors, and were often told scary news, and not given much hope for positive outcome. But thank God that our hope was not in the doctors but in God and His Sovereign power over all events.

My heart has been changed. My heart survived the surgery. My mind was renewed and my heart was turned towards God once again. My faith was strengthened through it all. I have surrendered my life to the Lord my God and was prepared to go through the rest of this journey of faith to the end, knowing that my Heavenly Father would do me no harm, and that His Will was going to be the best outcome for us all.

At seven and half months of my pregnancy, we have learned that our little precious baby girl died within my womb. The next three days, which is how long it took to deliver her, I have encountered the most traumatic and painful experience in my life. Physically and emotionally this was more than one could bear. But it was because of God’s Amazing Grace that James and I made it through. However, spiritually we did not suffer at all, we knew we were in His presence the whole time. We had no question in our hearts that this was in fact His Sovereign Will.

June 21st, 2008 at 5:51 am Petra Johanna Wilson was born dead to us, yet she is alive to God. Yes, my heart is broken, for I am a mother with an empty womb and empty arms, but my heart is filled with the peace that surpasses all understanding…the Peace of God. God has poured His Mercy on our little baby girl and on James and me. I can honestly say that I have no questions towards God at all, I only have answers. He answered my prayer: ‘I am Yours, Save Me!’ And so HE DID!

Today, June 24th, 2008, I still pray:

I Am Yours, Save Me!