IT HURT ME TO NOT FORGIVE
Have you ever been hurt enough to a point of hatred towards the one that has hurt you? I have! And it is not a place I ever want to be in again.
It took years for the ‘hate’ to become fully active within my heart but once it did – it took over my whole being. But of course I felt that as a victim I had the ‘right’ to hate. And so my life was filled with too much pain too bare and it would manifest its way in many ways such as anger, bitterness, sorrow, frustration, and much more.
One of my attempts to deal with the pain was to get counseling. Over the years I have walked into a counselor’s office about three times and walked out each time without even able to share what caused the pain….it hurt too much to even talk about it. And then I would feel worse again because all the pain that I would try so hard to bury seemed to surface and with that so did the ‘hatred’. I am not saying anything against counseling, but I am saying that for me that was not the solution.
So life went on – I hurt, I hid it, the pain would surface, I hurt more, I got angry, I would hate….and on and on going around in circles for many years.
Even though my pain started long before I found Jesus, the anger and bitterness continued to grow as I was feeding it all along during my Christian life also. This hate was towards my father and even my mother. I will not go into details of why, because I believe that it makes no difference, the only thing that matters is that the pain was real and so was the hatred. It was not one offense but many different ones. By now – my father and I had no contact whatsoever, my children didn’t know their grandpa and I still didn’t have that earthly father’s love I have always heard about. And as far as my mother goes, well I didn’t hate her but did have much anger towards her as well. But the main problem was my father.
I have read many scriptures about forgiveness in the Bible but they never seemed to ‘jump’ out at me personally. Until one day – there it was:
Matthew 6:14
14 “If you forgive those who sin against you, your heavenly Father will forgive you.
What? I have to forgive to be forgiven? But Lord you know the pain he has caused me. My father doesn’t deserve my forgiveness.
Matthew 6:15
15 But if you refuse to forgive others, your Father will not forgive your sins.
Lord, I did forgive my father long time ago, but he hurt me since that time again.
Matthew 18:21-22
21 Then Peter came to him and asked, “Lord, how often should I forgive someone who sins against me? Seven times?”
22 “No, not seven times,” Jesus replied, “but seventy times seven!
Oh Jesus, I cannot forgive, that is like saying it is okay what he has done against me.
Luke 23:34
34 Jesus said, “Father, forgive them, for they don’t know what they are doing.”
But Lord, can’t you see how much he has hurt me? Why are you asking me to do this?
Luke 6:36-38
36 You must be compassionate, just as your Father is compassionate. 37 “Do not judge others, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn others, or it will all come back against you. Forgive others, and you will be forgiven. 38 Give, and you will receive. Your gift will return to you in full—pressed down, shaken together to make room for more, running over, and poured into your lap. The amount you give will determine the amount you get back.”
Ephesians 4:31-32
31 Get rid of all bitterness, rage, anger, harsh words, and slander, as well as all types of evil behavior. 32 Instead, be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you.
Colossians 3:12-14
12 Since God chose you to be the holy people he loves, you must clothe yourselves with tenderhearted mercy, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience. 13 Make allowance for each others’ faults, and forgive anyone who offends you. Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others. 14Above all, clothe yourselves with love, which binds us all together in perfect harmony.
There was no way around it. I knew now that I had to forgive, not for any other reason but because it is what is required of me as a Christian – be obedient to the Lord. I knew I could not do this by my own power so I started to pray for the Lord to show me and teach me and help me to forgive from the heart. My parents were not believers, instead rejecting God bluntly. The thought of even forgiving my father was very hurtful but as I was seeking the Lord to help me I was starting to see some changes in my heart.
One day, I heard someone teaching on forgiveness and they said that the best way to start is to start praying for those who hurt you. At that time that idea seemed like a salt added to the wound but nevertheless I started to pray. Many prayers later some changes were starting to happen and what took place next was pretty amazing. For the first time I saw my parents separate from me and my pain – I saw them as lost souls who needed the Lord and they needed to receive His forgiveness just the same as I have received. I now had a new burden in my heart for my parents while they were no longer a burden to me.
I don’t want you to think that any of this was an easy task. Not at all. It was painful and I spent many times on my knees – surrendering myself to the Lord over few months. But with each prayer I was getting a bit closer to the day when I for the first time experienced forgiveness in my heart.
And that day did come…..one day as I was in prayer for my parents, I finally let go of all the bitterness and pain – I handed it all over to the Lord – I FORGAVE from my heart. What followed next is still the sweetest of it all.
First, I immediately felt as if 100 lbs fell off my body – literally. I couldn’t believe it. I felt so light. The second just as striking experience was that for the first time in many years I felt ‘love’ in my heart towards both of my parents. I knew that I LOVED my mother and father no matter what was in the past. And the third change in my life was that now I can talk about every offense that was done against me and there is not even a shadow of pain. Before I couldn’t even tell the counselors and today I can tell you every detail. Today none of it hurts. Today I am able to help others who may feel the same pains.
The day I forgave is the day I was healed.
About three years later, my father came back into my life. We had three years with him before he died from cancer. For three years I had a loving father. For three years my children had a loving grandpa. For three years we built wonderful memories.
I have a loving relationship with my mother till this day.
There is power in forgiveness and the power comes from our Lord Jesus Christ!
Matthew 6:12
12 and forgive us our sins,
as we have forgiven those who sin against us.
John 20:22-23
22 Then he breathed on them and said,“Receive the Holy Spirit. 23 If you forgive anyone’s sins, they are forgiven. If you do not forgive them, they are not forgiven.”
So true! We forget that we are the ones most in need of forgiveness; then having received that Amazing Gift, we resist sharing it with those who have hurt us.
AMEN!